The night at the intensive care was long. My status was stable, but critical. I was connected to lots of devices, which measured my heartbeat, pulse, blood pressure etc. In addition I was given intravenous fluids and medications – but no pain relief. I had lost all control over my own life, it was now controlled and taken care by health personnel and devices.


“Why wouldn’t they help me to ease my pain?”


It was hard to find any peace because the pain that was rushing through my body was so incredibly intense – it felt like the blade of a knife stabbing me over and over. It felt like real torture….I had to focus on laying still because it was hard staying in the same position. At the same time I couldn’t move because the tiniest movement increased the pain. 

In between all “the torture” I begged and pleaded the nurse sitting by my side watching over me to help me deal with the pain, but she told me she couldn’t. The only thing she could do was place a cold wet cloth on my forehead. I remember how desperate I was and all the thoughts going through my head – why wouldn’t they help me? How could they make me stay in such intense pain when they had the opportunity to reduce it?

No matter how much I begged and pleaded I had to manage with only the cold wet cloth on my forehead….


“The clock was still hunting me like I was a slave of time….”


The clock was still hunting me like I was a slave of time….the minutes were passing so slowly….couldn’t sleep…was just staring at the  clock on the wall….it hardly moved… In between I thought I slept, but every time I looked at the clock it had barely moved…It felt like time was standing still…and I thought why isn’t the clock moving!?


“Outside the danger zone”


Eventually the time passed and I was out of the danger zone and was transferred from the intensive care to the ward. Finally I could get some pain relief. It didn’t take many minutes before I felt the effect-my body could finally relax and the pain eased off. FINALLY – it felt so good! Both my body and I were at peace. Little did I know that this was my first encounter of a life in constant pain….

Later I was informed that it was due to the surgery and the 12 coils (metal rings) as foreign elements – around the disrupted veins in my spleen – was the reason they couldn’t give me any pain relief in the intensive care. They had to be sure that my body wouldn’t repel the coils….